


After the nightmare, guilt

by NoMoreBeer4U



Series: After the nightmare series [12]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s07e17-18 Heroes, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25627231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U
Summary: Daniel was devasted. Janet was dead. Again, he had witnessed how a staff blast had ripped off the life of someone he cared deeply about...
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Series: After the nightmare series [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704055
Kudos: 17





	After the nightmare, guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The usual, I don't own them, don't sue me, yadda yadda yadda...

Daniel was devastated. He had hoped never to go through that again, which, working in a military base engaged in an intergalactic war, was a quite naïve thought. And finally, today, a new nightmare had hit his world without warning. And again, he had been the first-row witness. He saw his parents crushed to death when he was a kid. Years later he watched his wife taken down by a staff blast. And today, just a few hours ago, it happened again. Janet was dead. Again, he had witnessed how a staff blast had ripped off the life of someone he cared deeply about.

He suppressed a sob and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to erase the picture of a bloody Janet lying at his knees. She had been dead before hitting the ground.

“God, Ja-net…” he whispered with a cracked voice.

He forced himself to think about Jack. At least his lover was ok. At the moment he had seen him coming through the wormhole lying on a stretcher, unconscious and smoky, his heart had stopped. He had rushed to the infirmary to find out that the wound wasn’t life-threatening. Jack would be sore for a while but he’d be ok. Once he had made sure that his lover was in good hands, he had retreated to his office. He hadn’t been able to face him right away.

However, the retreat hadn’t lasted long. The interviews from the NID agent and the constant interference of that TV guy, Bergman, hadn’t allowed it. And now Daniel was finally alone again in his office. He was tired and miserable and all he wished was to hold his lover and never let go. But the sorrow and guilt for Janet’s death were consuming him. How would Jack react when he knew that Janet’s death had been his fault?

“God, Jack, I need you,” he whispered to himself. He mentally kicked himself for being so dependent on his lover. Although he didn’t think he was ready to deal with Jack’s reaction to his new failure, the need to see him alive and well was stronger. He left his office and headed towards the infirmary. Sooner or later, he'd had to face him, and his behavior wasn’t being fair to Jack. The colonel would be wondering why he hadn’t visited him. At least he deserved an explanation.

Daniel put a hand on Jack’s room doorknob, but he stopped when he heard voices inside. He slowly opened the door and peeped inside. What he saw threw an invisible punch to his gut. All air rushed out of his lungs, and his blood froze in his veins. Jack and Sam were hugging tightly, the colonel’s face buried deep into the hollow of her neck. A lump the size of Alaska formed inside Daniel’s throat, and without a word, he closed the door and left the area. His legs were shaking, his mind reeling and his heart aching. Had he been pushing Jack away so much that he had thrown him straightforward to Sam’s arms? No. No. That couldn’t be. They had made love passionately the night before the mission. Jack had assured him for a thousand times that they were meant to last forever. He always said they were one heart, one soul. That he never loved Sam that way. So? Oh god, maybe Sam had told him that Janet’s death had been his fault. Sam was Janet’s best friend. She must hate him for what he had done and now Jack must hate him as well. All of a sudden Daniel felt completely adrift and abandoned.

Without realizing it, he found himself in the infirmary common room and saw Airman Wells lying on his bed. He composed himself and went to see how he was doing. He was going to be ok. He felt slightly relieved that Janet’s death hadn’t been entirely in vain, although he was surprised by Wells's sense of guilt. Daniel assured him that the only culprit was the jaffa. Huh. Who was he trying to fool?

Daniel left the room without knowing where to go. An overwhelming feeling of sorrow, guilt, and loneliness enveloped him. His mind wandered to Jack again. He had lost a very dear friend. He wouldn’t bear to lose his lover the same day. At that moment he only wished to hide in the most remote corner he could find and curl up into a tiny ball. With a bit of luck, a hole would open under his feet and would swallow him whole.

***

After some seconds, Jack broke the hug. Although he cared for her deeply, it wasn’t Carter who he was dying to hold. He was dying to hold Daniel in his arms. But he wasn’t there. Actually, he hadn’t visited him at the infirmary any single time. This wasn’t Daniel’s normal behavior. Every time he had been sick or hurt, it had been Daniel the one sitting at his bedside. Not this time. Something wasn’t right. Something beyond the grief for Janet’s death was affecting his lover. But what?

“Carter, have you seen Daniel? How is he coping?” He asked his second in command.

“I… I don’t know Sir.”

“You don’t know? Haven’t you talked to him? Or to Teal’c?”

“Hmm, well, no, hmm, Teal’c helped me with the speech for the memorial service, but I think Daniel retreated to his office after the medical checkup.”

“You _think_?” Jack asked with a trace of sarcasm.

“Well, he… I think Janet’s death, hmm, it hit… it hit him pretty hard, Sir,” said Sam with a tremulous voice.

“I would say it hit us all quite hard.” Jack was someway hoping that all had been just a bad dream.

“Well, yeah, but you know,” the Major continued, “Daniel being right there, well, you know how sensitive he is and…”

“What do you mean being right there?”

“He was… there… I mean, with… Janet when she was… hit,” she gulped.

“Oh, crap,” Jack said through clenched teeth. Jack’s memory of the whole operation was blurry. He didn’t recall being hit and he didn’t remember Daniel’s position during the battle. He shot off the room as fast as his sore ribs let him.

The colonel was heading towards Daniel’s office when he bumped against that annoying TV guy. What was his name? Bergman? Brigman?

“Oh, Colonel O’Neill!” the shorter man exclaimed. “I was wondering if you’d…”

“Cut the crap, Bringman,” Jack interrupted with a hiss. “I'm not in the mood.”

“But colonel…”

“Unless you know where Dr. Jackson is I'm not interested in anything you can say.” He went past the man and continued on his way.

“Oh, but I know where he is!” Bergman shouted to his back.

Jack turned around. “Have you seen him?”

“I just talked to him a couple of minutes ago,” Bergman said waving a videotape that he was holding in his hand.

“Where?” Jack urged.

“In there.” Bergman signaled one of the ISO rooms.

Jack froze. That was the room Daniel had died two years ago. He ran inside calling for his lover.

“Daniel!”

The room was in the dark, and he saw no sign of his archaeologist.

“Danny, are you there?” Jack repeated.

The only answer was a muffled sob coming from the darkest corner in the room. Jack followed the sound and found the shadowed shape of his lover sitting on the floor, his knees drawn to his chest, and his head buried into them.

After Daniel gave Bregman the videotape, he had returned to the dark corner and tried to make himself as small as possible. He didn’t think he was going to be interrupted anymore, so he finally let go and released the tears he had been holding back all along.

“Daniel,” Jack said sadly. He kneeled in front of his lover and put a hand on his knee.

“Leave me alone, Jack,” Daniel's voice cracked.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” The question came out before Jack’s brain could process it, and he mentally kicked himself for his lack of tact.

Daniel lifted his head abruptly. In the dim light, Jack could see several tear tracks glistening on his face.

“This, Jack might be the most stupid question you ever asked,” the archaeologist replied harshly.

Jack hold his stare and his heart broke for the deep sorrow he saw written in his lover’s eyes. And then he saw something else, something he had seen many times before in those beautiful blue orbs and he had hoped never to see again: guilt. And something more: Fear?

“Sam told me you were next to Janet when she was hit,” the colonel stated softly.

“Did she tell you also that I killed her?” Daniel asked with a trace of self loath in his voice.

“What are you talking about?” Jack was at a loss. As far as he knew a jaffa had shot the doctor with his staff blast.

“It’s my fault that she is dead,” Daniel's voice cracked. “You shouldn’t be here, you should be comforting Sam. I killed her best friend. I’ll understand if you kick me out of the team and out of your life. Go and hug her again.”

“Again?” Jack was at a loss. Had Daniel seen him hugging Carter a few minutes ago? And if that was the case, had he drawn a wrong conclusion? What the hell? Out of the team? Out of your life?

“I don’t want to hug Carter. You are my life. I want to hug you. I love you, and it’s obvious you’re hurting deeply. Please, let me hold you.” But Daniel didn’t move. In fact, he buried his face in his knees again and tightened the grip on his legs, completely shutting down.

“Yushhn lvmmm,” Daniel’s words, muffled by his knees, sounded completely intelligible.

“What?”

The archaeologist lifted his head again. “I said, you shouldn’t love me. I'm a complete failure, don’t you see? My failures keep killing the people I love. Cassie is right.”

“What does Cassie have to do with this?” Jack asked, his confusion increasing.

“She… she knows the truth. You can ask her.”

“What truth? God, Daniel, you’re not making any sense.” Jack was starting to get nervous. Janet had been killed in the line of duty. And Daniel had been there. He could understand his lover’s pain, but, what the hell was all that nonsense about killing her and those strange hints about Carter and Cassie? “What are you talking about?” the question sounded a bit louder than he pretended and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Daniel flinch and tighten his self-hug.

“If you want to know,” Daniel began between sobs, “I talked to Cassie earlier. And she…understood. she told me that it wasn’t fair, that she wished the Jaffa had killed me instead of his mother, that it is my fault that she is dead, that it should have been me. That I should have protected her. She is right, you know? It should have been me. I failed her. It should have been me, it should have been me, it should…” Daniel’s voice faded to nothing and his shoulders began to shake as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

Jack’s felt his heart splitting in two at his lover’s words. _It should have been me. God Daniel, no, no, not that._ He blinked back tears as he pushed the thought aside. Daniel was ok, physically, at least. He hadn’t been wounded and Jack was sincerely grateful for that.

All of a sudden, the archaeologist’s eyes wide opened, and he began to shiver uncontrollably. Jack recognized the symptoms of a shock. The colonel rushed to the door. At that moment, a nurse was passing by.

“Get a medical team here!” he shouted.

She ran.

***

Half an hour later, Daniel lay on a bed at the infirmary. Jack was watching him from his plastic chair. Definitely not the best accommodation for his sore ribs. The archaeologist seemed to sleep peacefully. He was so defeated before, that he hadn’t even fought the medical team.

“Colonel, how’s our boy?” General Hammond’s deep voice sounded at Jack’s back but he didn’t turn around.

“Sir,” he said in acknowledgment. “He didn’t talk to me. He kept saying Dr. Fraser’s death is his fault, that it should have been him. The doctor said he’s suffering delayed shock, so he sedated him to help him rest. He'll likely be knocked out for a couple of hours more.

Hammond sighed. “Come with me, Colonel. There is something you need to see.”

***

_…_

_“I got him!”_

_“Janet?!”_

_“You’re clear, Dr. Jackson! Sorry but…”_

_“I need a medic! Fraser’s hit! I need a medic!_

_“Is she ok?”_

_“Sierra Gulf Niner, Dr. Fraiser's been hit. Position… aah! I NEED A MEDIC!”_

Hammond stopped the video play but Jack continued staring unblinkingly at the black screen. That had been way too close to Daniel. It had been just coincidence that the blast had hit Janet instead of him. For a moment, Jack's mind drew the picture of his lover lying dying on the ground, a bloody hole on his chest.

The General grabbed a folder and offered it to him.

“This is Airman Bosworth's report. Read it, Colonel.”

Jack repeatedly blinked to erase the image of a dead Daniel.

“Sir?” he dazedly asked.

“Airman Bosworth's report. Read it, Jack,” Hammond repeated.

Jack took the folder with shaking hands. “Yes, Sir,” he whispered.

“Go and take care of our boy.”

“Yes, Sir.”

***

Before heading to the infirmary, Jack stopped at Sam’s lab. She was staring blankly at her computer.

“Carter.” She startled at his CO voice.

“Sir. Did you find Daniel?” She asked with swollen, red-rimmed eyes. “ Have you talked to him?”

“I'm not the only one who talked to him.”

Sam looked at him, confused. “What do you mean, Sir?”

“He's at the infirmary.”

“What? Why?!”

“Delayed shock,” Jack explained.

“Delayed shock?” Sam was stunned. “Of course Janet’s death must have hit him hard but… delayed shock?” She repeated. That sounded too much even for Daniel.

“Did you know that he accidentally recorded Janet’s death on tape?” Jack told her.

“What?! Oh, my God!” Sam covered her mouth with her hand.

“Yeah, and knowing Daniel I bet he's been watching the recording a thousand times wondering if he could have done anything differently.”

Sam bit his lower lip and looked up at the ceiling, fighting back the tears. “God, I didn’t even talk to him. I was so focused on my own grief that I didn’t really think how much more difficult this is being for him.” Sam sniffed and his eyes wetted. “We’re supposed to be family and we pushed each other away.”

“I wouldn’t say that Carter. You talked to Teal’c, and you came to check on me. What I don’t understand is how knowing Daniel, knowing his past experiences of watching people he cares about dying in front of him, you didn’t go to check on him too. That staff blast brushed him before hitting Janet. He could have died instead of her. Did you go and told him how glad you are that he’s ok, too? Or did you just reserve this privilege for me?”

Jack's words came out accusingly and Sam looked at him like a deer caught in a car’s headlights.

“Also you should know that he talked to Cassie,” Jack continued.

“Yes, I… I know, Sir, I… I was there,” she stammered.

“Oh, you were there,” Jack repeated sarcastically. “And did you happen to hear what they talked about?”

“Well, no, hmm, no Sir.” Sam tilted her head in confusion. “He called when I was there but she went to talk to her room.”

“She told him that Janet’s death was his fault, that he should have died in her place,” he told her harshly.

All color drained from Sam’s face. “Ugh, that girl…!” She exclaimed angrily. They all knew about Daniel’s issues with guilt. That had been a cruel low blow.

“Maybe you should take the rest of the afternoon, Major.”

“I understand, Sir. Thank you for telling me.”

Jack nodded and left.

***

Jack just finished reading Bosworth’s report when he saw Daniel beginning to stir on his bed. He moved closer to his lover. Daniel’s eyes fluttered and opened slowly.

“Hey,” Jack smiled.

Daniel looked confused for a few seconds and then Jack saw the brightness leaving his eyes. He closed them and curled up into a ball, turning his back to the colonel. Jack felt an invisible hand squeezing his heart. Daniel was sinking in the pit they all had helped to dig.

“I saw the videotape,” Jack said softly. He saw Daniel’s body tense. “And I read Bosworth’s report,” he added. “And there's nothing in them that's telling that Janet’s death was your fault.

Jack stood up and sat on the bed, next to his lover. He reached out a hand and squeezed his shoulder lightly. There wasn’t much more he could do bearing in mind where they were. He hated it. He wanted to be able to hold his lover into his arms and whisper soothing words into his ear while stroking his head. He wanted to be able to kiss his guilt away and say aloud words of love and commitment. He wanted to be able to hold his beautiful face and brush away the tears from his cheeks and tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he loved him more than anything, and that eventually the pain would go away and everything would be alright. Jack O’Neill damned the military regulations for a thousand times.

After some minutes, Daniel rolled to his back. He looked at Jack with pain-filled eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat before speaking.

“She died because I was distracted with that stupid camera.”

“No,” Jack shook his head. “She died because we’re fighting a war and an enemy soldier shot her, in a war zone.”

Daniel let out a half sob-half laugh. “That’s funny, that’s what I told airman Wells. It sounded alright when I told him.”

“Because that’s the truth,” Jack stated softly.

“No, Jack,” Daniel's eyes glistened with unshed tears. “She died because I wasn’t paying attention. If I had been watching, I would have seen the Jaffa, and I could…”

“Stop it!” the colonel interrupted him. “ It wasn’t your job to watch her six. It was Bosworth’s.”

“So, what do you mean, that it is his fault?”

“I didn’t say that. Daniel, you were doing your job. You were helping Janet to stabilize Wells. Yes, that damned Jaffa overpassed our line of defense and now Janet is death, but you, you Daniel, you took care of that young man’s needs, and now he is alive.”

“Have you talked to Bergman?” Daniel asked bewildered

“What?” Jack was confused. What did that annoying TV guy have to do with all this?

“You two would get along pretty well, you know? You have a similar way to turn things around.”

Jack’s gaze softened and looked at Daniel with love. “What happened to Janet is a tragedy. And one thing is true. Both you and Janet were within range. Fate made that was Janet who took the blast.” Jack shivered and mentally pushed the alternative away. He was sad about Janet’s death, but he wouldn’t have survived if it had been Daniel. “The jaffa moved really stealthy, and very fast,” the colonel continued. Bosworth was checking the perimeter. He is a good soldier, and even being so good at his job, he missed him. There’s no way you could have saved her.”

“But…”

“No Daniel, no buts. I was hit too, remember?”

“I'm trying not to,” Daniel said softly, blinking away the image of Jack in his stretcher.

“I saw the jaffa who hit me before he shot. And even so, he was so fast that I couldn’t duck nor shoot in time. They’re well-trained warriors. That time, they hit first, and there’s no one else to blame.”

Something clicked in Daniel’s brain as he began to accept the truth of Jack’s words. Fresh tears appeared in the corner of his eyes and rolled its way down the archaeologist’s already damp cheeks.

“It hurts, Jack, it hurts so much,” he sobbed.

Jack couldn’t hold it anymore and pulled his lover to a crushing hug. His ribs protested, but he didn’t let go. Daniel clutched the older man's t-shirt and cried his grief and guilt over his shoulder. After some minutes, they pulled away.

“I love you,” Daniel mouthed in silence.

“I love you too,” Jack replied, low enough so no one else could accidentally hear it. “And I'm really sorry that Janet’s dead, but I'm really, really glad it wasn’t you.” He smiled at his lover and then he suddenly froze. “Oh, shit.”

“Jack, what’s wrong?” Daniel asked with concern.

“I just realized something.”

“What?”

“Daniel!” A high pitched voice interrupted him.

Both men looked at the source of the voice, and they saw a crying Cassie running towards them. She launched over Daniel and hugged him tightly, her arms clutching his neck.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” She sobbed. “I didn’t mean it, I don’t want you to die, never, never. It isn’t your fault mom is dead.” She was talking a hundred miles per hour, between sobs and hiccups. “I'm sorry, I don’t hate you, Daniel, I'm sorry!”

She went on crying while Daniel stroked his back and head.

“Shhhh, it's ok, I understand.”

“No, is not ok, it was cruel. I was sad and angry and you… oh, please, Daniel, forgive me,” she choked with her own tears.

Daniel went on soothing her with soft words and tender movements. He couldn’t hold it any longer and he cried the rest of his guilt on her shoulder. They stayed like that for several minutes, while Jack, Sam and Teal’c watched them, fighting back their own tears. Sometimes, pretending to be the tough military guys while they were melting inside, really sucked.

“Oh, screw it,” Jack said.

He looked at his teammates and signaled the bed with his head. Taking the hint, the three of them moved closer. They sat on the bed next to Daniel and Cassie and enfolded them in a group hug. The archaeologist couldn’t believe it. At that moment, he felt so loved and cherished that he felt his heart swell. He mentally sent a prayer for Janet. She wasn’t there anymore, but her spirit would always be with them. And they were family, and they would help each other to cope with her death.

***

**_Three days later_ **

“Thanks,” Daniel whispered, taking the beer Jack was offering him.

“Move forward,” Jack requested.

Daniel complied and Jack sat behind him. The colonel leaned against the wall as his lover leaned back against his chest. The older man wrapped an arm around the archaeologist’s waist. Daniel rested his head on Jack’s shoulder and looked at the star-filled sky. The night was chilly and he shivered. Jack tightened his grip, glad he could do this, as the soreness in his ribs was almost completely gone. A few hours had passed since Janet’s memorial service. SG-1 had spent the evening with Cassie, but just Sam had stayed for the night. The rest of them had headed home. Both Jack and Daniel needed to breathe some fresh air, so they had accommodated on the colonel’s house roof, next to the telescope.

“You ok,? Jack asked softly before planting a tender kiss on Daniel’s temple.

“No, but I'm getting there,” the younger man replied sadly. “I miss her, Jack.”

“Yeah, me too,” the colonel sighed. “It will get better.” That sounded lame even to himself but he didn’t know what else to say. He knew Janet’s death would haunt Daniel’s dreams for a long time, and there was little he could do about it other than loving him and comforting him.

“I know. Been there, done that. I got the whole pack again, huh? Losing someone I cared about and witnessing it first row,” Daniel's voice cracked.

Jack tightened the embrace further. “I'm so, so sorry, baby, so sorry. You don’t deserve this. I don’t know why this keeps happening to you, but it’s not fair.”

“Every time I close my eyes, I…” Daniel choked to the memory and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to erase it.

“Danny, God, I don’t know how to help you,” Jack said with emotion.

“You did it, Jack. You made me understand Janet’s death wasn’t my fault. Now I just need time.” Daniel turned around into his lover’s hold and looked at him in the eye. “I love you so much.” He captured his lips in a gentle and slow kiss.

“One heart, one soul, forever, Danny,” said Jack when they broke the kiss. They stared at each other for a long moment, their eyes bright with love and passion. “Daniel, I want you to promise me you’ll stop this.”

“What?”

“That thing, what you usually do, feeling guilty every time something bad happens to us.”

“I don’t…”

“Yes, you do it Danny, believe me on this,“ Jack stated with resignation.

I… I can’t help it.” Daniel stammered. “It’s just, every… every time someone I cared about died, I was there. My parents, Sha’re, and now Janet. And I was useless every single time. I can’t help thinking I could have done something different and they…”

“Daniel, stop it.” Jack cupped his lover’s face and pressed his thumb on his lips. “You’re talking about situations you couldn’t control.”

Daniel lowered his head. “One would hope that I had learned something after Sha're died, right?”

Jack grabbed the archaeologist’s chin and lifted his head again so he could stare at his beautiful sapphire eyes. “Thor’s hammer, Carter and I lost in Antarctica, your trip to an alternate reality, the day the Ancients downloaded his database in my brain, the Eurondans, the Enkarans, me at Ba’al’s fortress… should I go on?” He made a rolling motion with his hand to emphasize his point.

Daniel looked at the older man, stunned.

“These,” the colonel continued “are situations where you could do something, and you did it. You saved my life more times than I can count. And also Carter and Teal’c’s lives. Goddamnit, you saved the entire planet and entire alien civilizations. Daniel, you always do the impossible, but sometimes even the impossible isn’t enough. I don’t know why the universe keeps sending this shit to you, but there was nothing you could have done to save your parents, or Sha’re, or Janet. Nobody could have. It’s not your fault that they’re all dead. But it’s your *fault* that I’m still alive, that billions of people are still alive.”

Daniel looked at the older man with glistening eyes and swallowed the huge lump that had formed in his throat.

“When you said that you should have died instead of Janet… God, Daniel. It broke my heart,” Jack’s voice cracked in pain. “I never want to hear anything like that again. You’re everything to me. If you had died…”

Daniel watched in horror how tears began to fall from his lover’s eyes. He quickly cupped his face and brushed them away.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just… God, I'm sorry. I’m a selfish jerk. I’ve been so wrapped in my own pity party that I didn’t think about… God, I'm sorry I wasn’t there with you when you woke up at the infirmary. When I saw you on that stretcher, at first I thought…” Daniel started to shake and Jack rubbed his arms and back with soothing movements, the beer forgotten on the floor. “It was too much, too much. Janet was dead, I couldn’t lose you too. I followed you to the infirmary, and when I was sure you were ok, I just… I didn’t trust my emotions, so I retreated to my office. What a crap of an excuse, huh? I should have been there for you, instead of staying alone feeling sorry for myself.”

“It was a lot to take, Danny,” said Jack softly, “but just remember you’re not alone anymore. You have me, and Teal’c, and Carter.”

Their eyes locked, and after some seconds Daniel looked away, ashamed. “Yeah, about that, there’s something more I'm sorry about,” he said. “When I finally went to see you, well, I saw you with Sam and I thought…”

“Aww, Danny…” Jack’s heart ached at the hurting tone on his lover’s voice.

“I… I had talked to Cassie and I was so buried in my guilt… I thought you and Sam hated me for what I had done… I'm so sorry I… I for a while I thought that you and her…”

“Shhh, shhh, Danny, you were under a lot of stress, you weren’t thinking straight. A few minutes later you got into shock, for God’s sake.”

“Will you forgive me?” Daniel looked at Jack and the older man could see a trace of fear in his eyes. The fear he had seen before at the ISO room.

“Baby, there’s nothing to forgive.” He tightened the embrace. “After everything you told me I understand you got confused. I know you know I love you more than anything. To me, you’re my husband. I wish you would stop doubting yourself. I love you and I'll always will. You’re the only one I've loved after Sara. Don’t you see the amazing person you are? You’re passionate (kiss on Daniel’s right eye), caring (kiss on the left eye), compassionate (kiss on the tip of the nose), strong (kiss on the mouth), and beautiful and sexy as hell (sweet, long kiss).

Daniel looked at his lover drowsily. “I'll try to remember it. It’s just that although I can feel it in my heart and soul, I don’t know, my head goes back to all those years of rejection after my parents died. I guess Janet’s death triggered those feelings again.”

“Then forget them, because they’re part of the past. You have a new family now and we all love you. And you’re mine, and I can’t believe the lucky son of a bitch I am.”

Jack signed his statement with another deep and gentle kiss, and Daniel kicked himself mentally for his recurrent doubts. Although he couldn’t recognize all these qualities in himself, he knew Jack was honest with his words. He let himself get lost in the kiss and for the first time since Janet’s death, he felt confident that indeed, in time, it would get better.

They broke the kiss when their lungs began to protest for the lack of air, and Jack made a face.

“Although…” he began.

“Although?” Daniel asked alarmed.

“First promise me you believe me when I say you are my life and you won’t jump to a wrong conclusion,” Jack warned.

“Jack?”

“Promise me?”

“Jaaack.”

“Danieeeel.”

“Ok, ok, I promise, I promise!”

“Something happened that makes me think that... hmm… Carter may have, hmm, might have… hmm, inappropriate… feelings for me.”

“What? What are you talking about?! Daniel exclaimed alarmed again.

“It kicked me at the infirmary when I told you that despite Janet’s death, I was really glad you were ok.”

“And?” Daniel urged.

“Carter said the same thing to me just before I hugged her,” Jack bemoaned. “When I told that to you, well, it sounded a lot like when she said that to me.”

“So, what, just because of the tone?” Daniel was not so impressed now, his initial fear dissipating.

“That and also the way she looked at me. I thought that was because she was hurting for Janet but now I’m not so sure. She looked…” Jack waved his hand trying to express what he couldn’t with words.

“What?”

“I don’t know, scared. I mean really scared. I’ve seen that same gaze on you every time I’m in danger, and I'm sure is the same on me every time you’re hurt.”

“So, do you think that she…?” Daniel’s eyebrows reached his hairline.

“I don’t know. It really sounded like that to me, although, you know me, present exception apart, I'm not that good with the feelings reading thing.”

“But you have never done anything to encourage her, have you?” Daniel asked not really knowing what to think about all this. SG-1 was family. It was normal that she got scared when she saw Jack being hit, wasn’t it? Although his wound had been mild, at that very moment she must have felt like himself when he saw Janet being hit.

Of course not. You know I care for her but just as a friend, but what if… what if she thought I'm in love with her after that damned Za’tarc thing?”

“Jack, that was more than three years ago!” Daniel exclaimed.

“I know, but we agreed to forget about it and we never talked about it again. What if she misunderstood the “I care for her way more than I should" for “I love her?” Jack shrugged.

“Then I’d say you should have talked to her then. Why did you let this go so far?”

“I didn’t notice anything until now!” the colonel grimaced.

“I don’t know, Jack.” Daniel tried to find a sense of all that. “You never told her you loved her that way. Janet’s death hit her really hard. She was her best friend, but she cares a lot for you too. She saw you being shot, I’d say it’s normal she got scared. Besides, what about Pete?”

“Yeah, you’re right. She really likes him, doesn’t she? Jack let out a sigh of relief. “Hell, she was humming when they began to date.”

“Sam hums?” Certainly, that was an unknown side on her.

“Oh, yeah.” Jack smiled at the memory. Ah, screw it. She loves Pete, I don’t know what got into me. I guess she was grieving, and well, we’re family after all.”

Daniel shivered again into Jack’s arms.

“You’re freezing, baby.”

“Yeah, it's getting chilly up here. Bed?”

“I love the way you think, and I love you, Dr. Jackson. Never forget that. And never forget the valuable person you are.”

“I will, Jack, I promise.” Daniel smiled slightly for the first time in four days. “I love you too, forever.”

“Forever. C'mon, let’s go to bed.”

**_The end, for now_ **


End file.
